NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
GENERAL INFORMATION:
NAME_____________________________________
DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________
WEIGHT____________
IQ__________
GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________
DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________
CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If “No”, explain: __________________________________________________ ___________
__________________________________________________ ___________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain
__________________________________________________ __________________
__________________________________________________ __________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No
(IF YOU ANSWERED ‘YES’ TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does ‘LATE’ mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ____________
__________________________________________________ ____________
In 50 words or less, what does ‘DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER’ mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ____________
__________________________________________________ ____________
In 50 words or less, what does ‘ABSTINENCE’ mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ____________
__________________________________________________ ____________
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend __________________________________________________ _
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
Father? _____________
Mother? _____________
Pastor? _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A. If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
__________________________________________________ ____________
B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
__________________________________________________ ____________
C. A woman’s place is in the:
__________________________________________________ ____________
D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
__________________________________________________ ____________
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?
__________________________________________________ ____________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
__________________________________________________ ____________
G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
__________________________________________________ _______
Applicant’s Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother’s Signature Father’s Signature
_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman
In the boxes below, please provide Finger Prints, inked in your own blood for Homeland Security Identity Checking and DNA sampling:
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can’t, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)
To prepare yourself, should you, by some ice cube’s chance in HELL, be even remotely considered, start studying Daddy’s Rules for Dating, which is attached to this Application.
Daddy’s Rules for Dating
Your dad’s rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you’re a guy)
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off ofmy daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a ‘Barrier method’ of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have mydaughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: ‘early.’
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Rule Nine:
- Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
- laces where there is darkness.
- Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
- Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat.
- Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay.
- Hockey games are okay. Old folks’ homes are better.
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a slow, potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chanceto tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Mr. Sharrett
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